Wednesday, February 04, 2015

*slaps hand*

I am seriously a bad bad blogger.

I got so caught up in life and living. I love writing, I love documenting my journey's, but damn, living life is amazing!

I honestly used to be an awful negative person, always stressing, always worrying, always emotional, and sometimes, down right mean. I LOVE my new life. Honestly, is it perfect? Not at all. I don't want it to be. But I can honestly say, since starting this lap band journey in 2011 (and years before thinking about it, researching it)...that I am a much healthier, happier human being. This is best for everyone involved. I'm positive, I don't give up/in anymore, I try to help others be positive as much as I can, I see the light in most things, it's solidified who I really am. No, I'm not my weight or my looks, BUT going through the whole process, the ups and downs (that continue and will continue), has really made me step back, look deep inside and re-evaluate myself. I still struggle, sure, I always will, but I love the new me. Am I done? NO WAY!

I haven't blogged since 2013. It's not 2015. Craziness.

Last time I was on, I was getting married to my love. Well, that happened, Italy happened (he's now just as obsessed as I am). We would love to live there, but it's really not a reality right now. We've just been living life.

I don't really enjoy my job anymore (Underwriting for insurance). But it is what it is, I honestly don't really know anyone that truly 100% LOVES their job. So I'm okay with that, just keeping my options open.

I'm still obsessed with the gym and working out. Maybe not as much as I'd like, but I really do enjoy and look forward to working out, dancing, lifting, etc. I was down to 190.2 in May of 2013. I am now at 204.2. Am I okay with this? Not really, will I change it? Yes. I keep floating up and down, up and down. I work my band as much as I can. I have failures, I have successes. I got stagnant and comfortable. I started making horrible eating choices again, not so much in amount, but in types of foods, mostly sliders, drinking with meals, fried foods and processed foods. I have a MAJOR sweet tooth, it's all I crave. That is why I'm changing that, I am finally determined to kick this major habit of mine and learn to say no 80% of the time, rather than 20%. I do well for a few days, then I cave. Repeat. This is why I have gained 14 lbs. since 2013. I really maintained at 195 for over a year, now I've been fluctuating at 198-205. So, I know I can maintain like a boss. haha. I don't want to maintain here though. I'm ready to see the 180's, the 170's, the 160's and maybe the 150's. I truly am. I'm ready to kickstart this again. Did I become 286 lbs. over night? NOPE. I was about 170-230 all throughout middle school and HS. After HS, I stopped dance classes and cheerleading and still continued to eat the same. That's how I got like this. I saw my highest weight in 2008-2009 and that was enough for me. I was so depressed and distraught with myself.

Add all the other stress in life and I was a mess. My calm? Food. My weakness? Sweets. My lifeline? Food, again.

I don't want to fall back to this, especially WHAT and HOW much I was eating in one day. It has awakened me. And I know how bad/unhealthy processed food is, but does it stop me? No. I've been incorporating organic items in our foods, and lots of unprocessed things too, more salads, fresh fruits and veggies from the markets. I'm truly looking forward to starting our 21 day sugar detox. I've got pretty much all the information I need. For me, it will be super hard, for my husband, maybe not as much. His will be the alcohol and simple carbs. For me, the sweet stuff, the chocolate, the cake, cookies, ice cream, added sugars, etc. What we don't finish up in our pantry/freezer/fridge in the next 1.5 weeks, will either be tossed or packed up (and well hidden, NOT by me). I personally plan on cutting all sugars for the first time, this means, fruits, gum, protein drinks, protein bars, and of course, all the processed crap.

I've been slowly starting the past few days. I think diet soda might be the hardest. I did great with no soda for the first like 1.5 years, and all of a sudden, I just starting drinking it again. I would occasionally have a ginger ale for an upset stomach, but lately it's been diet this, diet that. I tried to do a diet green tea with lemon/ginseng, I didn't really grasp onto it. Now I'm back to just my water, protein drinks and hot teas. I had a coke zero yesterday. I have no money with me, so today won't be a problem. We had Arby's the other night, this will stop. We had pizza Sunday, this will also stop.

I'm ready. I need to do this.

As far as fills go. I had a slight unfill in November/December, can't remember exactly. I had to go to their other office because it was a last minute appointment. Honestly, since my allergies have been awful (last Spring and haven't stopped since), I've been having major issues with my fills. I was up to like 5.5 and was fine for a while. Then I would get super tight and need an unfill, then I would get super hungry all the time and would be able to eat more than a cup and I would gain or maintain. Ugh! It's been a sick cycle of this for a while now. I'm now down to like 4 cc's. It has allowed different foods back in again (nuts and peanut butters, which I sometimes have issues with). But I think I want another go at a small fill soon. I don't yet. I haven't 100% decided. I have major issues with drainage and nausea that hang out right above the band and cause inflammation. Didn't know this before I got the band, but it's very common and I confirmed that with 2 doctors too. I think I just need to tweak the food choices now and keep up with my exercising and keep adding strength training in more and more.

That is all for now, I could probably go on and on, but I won't. :)


Thursday, October 03, 2013


Here I am! I am alive, I swear! :)

I am up about 8-9 lbs. since July, when I was down to 190 lbs. :( I know what I need to do, it's my food and I need to get focused and back on track.

HOWEVER!! I am getting married in 8 days, craziness! Been planning this for over a year now and it's finally here, it's been a tad stressful, but here we are. I'm still working on some details (mostly the honeymoon), but otherwise, let's roll! I can't wait to marry the love of my life, dance the night away, see close friends/family in one area celebrating us and then head off to Italy for 2 weeks the next evening. Can't wait!!

That is really all for now. Just busy busy as work, it's stressful there too though, they've laid off 14 people on the other side of things (I happen to not be involved in this particular area, but man, it sucks).

Off to go watch some shows tonight and relax. Tomorrow is Friday. Gym again after work tomorrow for some zumba, then home for some weights/strength training. I have a feeling this weekend is going to be busy, as well as next week. Ahhh!


Friday, August 30, 2013

Hello again

I am a bad bad blogger. Just realized that I haven't blogged since June 17th and so much has been going on. *sigh*

I have been incredibly busy at work, which is fine by me. I don't like the fact that I only have 1 full day left to use for the rest of the year. Stupid me for using them all up in the first half, minus the 12 days I'm taking for our honeymoon. I could have used a few days off in the past couple weeks, it's been super stressful, mentally and physically.

Weight wise, not much going on. I have been under 200 and in the 190's since February. I was down to 190.2 for about a week or two. Now I have been floating between 194-197 since. So frustrating and I wish I could stop focusing so much on the number, but I just can't. I feel better, yes, but I know my eating habits could be so much better. I go for a check up next Friday, the 6th, so I might get a teeny tiny fill back in (like .1 or .2). We'll see. My exercise is excellent and I love it, need I say more? I would never have guessed that I would have loved being so active, even if it's just a simple 2-3 mile walk, like tonight.

THE wedding. Why yes, it's fast approaching (October 12th!!!). Almost a month away, 6 weeks from tomorrow. I can't believe it!! I picked up our marriage license today, yay! I can officially get married now, haha. Had some family drama about 2-3 weeks ago which started a good 2-3 absolutely crazy time for me. About 2-3 days after that drama, I found a lump in my right breast, saw my Dr. the next day. I then scheduled a mammo/ultrasound for the following Tuesday. From the ultrasound, they pretty much said it was 2 small fibroadenomas, I could either wait 2 years to see 'if' it changes or get a biopsy. So, I got the biopsy, this past Monday and I got the results yesterday, BENIGN!! WHEW! HUGE weight lifted from my life right now.

Then we found out the chair covers we were supposed to borrow were sold (by a friend of a friend), how nice right? So tomorrow we are driving to Lebanon (courtesy of my awesome mom) to pick up ones she found on Craigslist. Hopefully they aren't completely terrible.

Pretty much all the big stuff is done/ready/paid off. We just owe the photographer half the money (what was left). We owe part of the limo yet and of course, the food. We're still getting RSVP's in, got 7 today, but still missing quite a bit, hoping more come next week (I gave a deadline of September 7th).

And to continue with the weight part, I had my first dress fitting the day I found my breast lump, should have just cancelled, but I didn't. I put it on, it fit, zipped, etc. BUT it felt a teensy bit tight across my lower hips/stomach. My worst freaking area that I HATE and all my weight seems to congregate there. :( I pretty much freaked out and was depressed for the whole fitting. I didn't have good underwear on, so I invested in some spanx from Kohl's this past weekend, so hopefully that will help suck a teeny bit in and smooth things out. I would KILL for a tummy tuck and arm/thigh lift. :( If only...

The honeymoon is coming along quite well. We are heading to Italy for 2 weeks and I couldn't be more excited about it. I never thought I would ever make it back, so I am beyond excited to experience it all over again, but with more respect and with my love. :D We have a Traveler's Joy honeymoon registry, which is pretty damn cool. I can choose pre-determined things they have on their site or add my own. I did a few of each and we already got 2 gifts, yay!

Not much else going on in my life, just working and planning this crazy wedding lol. I just want to enjoy myself and have a good time with my closest peeps.

I miss blogging, I need to keep up with this.


Monday, June 17, 2013

Self sabotage

I am so ashamed, depressed, disgusted, etc. etc. It's been a really tough 3-4 weeks. Work has been crazy busy and stressful. I ate really bad for about 2 weeks at work, pizza, cake, chocolates, sodas, chips, bagels, etc. I kept telling myself not to, yet I did, over and over, every single day. Just looked on here and saw I was at 190.2, how sad. :( As of my weigh in yesterday, I'm 194. I was even higher, around 195.6.

I've broken down multiple times in the past week, just getting so overwhelmed lately. I have been doing much better for the past week, so I feel a bit better.

I'm just so upset with myself for letting myself go. I'm the maid of honor in my bestie's wedding this Saturday, so I was worried about that, but thank god I still fit in the dress, with about 1/2-1 in take in too. But then, last Friday my mom took me shopping and it was absolutely horrendous. I was able to order my long line bra for my wedding dress and a strapless bra for the wedding I'm in this week. BUT we went to Ross and Kohl's and could not find shit. I probably tried on like 30-40 items. I got 2 new pairs of work out pants, that's it. I'm like in between a 14 and 16. Grrr!

I'm so frustrated and really depressed, which is so unlike me. I have an appointment on July 5th at 1pm, and I plan on getting part of my fill put back in. He took out 3/4 of a CC, but it was just enough that I can eat a cup or more at a time and I get hungry like 2 hours after, sometimes sooner! Insane!! I want at least 1/4 put back in, just hoping it doesn't cause issues again...*sigh*


Sunday, May 12, 2013

Weigh In Day

Weight last week:194.4
Weight Today:190.2
Weight loss this Week: - 4.2 lbs
Weight Loss Total: 79.4 lbs.
I have absolutely NO idea how I lost 4.2 lbs, but I'll roll with it. So weird. I am moving a lot more at work, so that would be part of it, but I only made it to the gym 2-3x last week, took a walk last night. I'm just going to go with it and keep up the good eating, chewing, etc. I am still getting stuck a bit and pb'ing sometimes every day, so I'm going to watch it very closely this week. I think it's my impending period, allergies, weather, but not sure. Or just me. :/ I just don't want to screw this up and I was already through a upper gi/endoscopy in March, so I need to work on this myself.
Got some new clothes and a new bathing suit (a bikini!!!) on Friday with my mom at Target. All clothes came from the normal size section, NO plus sizes at all, didn't even look. Most were XL from the normal section.  Yay!


Monday, May 06, 2013

Weigh In Day

Weight last week:196
Weight Today:194.4
Weight loss this Week: - 1.6 lbs
Weight Loss Total: 75.2 lbs
Yay! Continuing downwards. I'm a bit confused though, eating was not anywhere near perfect last week and I only officially worked out 2 days, so it's weird to me. But it's a huge motivation and I can't wait to see the 180's now!

Wednesday, May 01, 2013

Belated Weigh In Day

Weight last week:196.4
Weight Today:196
Weight loss this Week: - .4 lbs
Weight Loss Total: 73.6 lbs

I forgot to post this on Sunday. I started my part time job at the flea market from 7-2, and then was busy afterwards. 

I just can't wait to keep moving down and down. I know my eating could be better, it's def. not at it's best lately. I have been indulging a bit too much on the sweets side. Today I had my interview for a promotion within and was super nervous, in return, ate a shit ton of tootsie rolls (one of my faves!). Ugh! Then I proceeded to have a piece of snickers cheesecake. I also had my lunch (leftovers from dinner the night before). Blah blah blah. 

I had some of my pain last night from the bile reflux, grrr! It lasted about 2-3 hours, so I skipped dinner and had an atkins shake instead. And ice cream for a snack. 

I also haven't exercised as much as I would have liked this week either, all kinds of crap and interruptions going on. Tomorrow I plan on going hard, hitting up a pyo class at another Y. Friday isn't looking good either, probably going to a happy hour for a guy at work whose last day it is. Grr! I will get my ass out of bed on Saturday for some 9am zumba and then it's off to my bestie's bridal shower! :)