Wednesday, February 04, 2015

*slaps hand*

I am seriously a bad bad blogger.

I got so caught up in life and living. I love writing, I love documenting my journey's, but damn, living life is amazing!

I honestly used to be an awful negative person, always stressing, always worrying, always emotional, and sometimes, down right mean. I LOVE my new life. Honestly, is it perfect? Not at all. I don't want it to be. But I can honestly say, since starting this lap band journey in 2011 (and years before thinking about it, researching it)...that I am a much healthier, happier human being. This is best for everyone involved. I'm positive, I don't give up/in anymore, I try to help others be positive as much as I can, I see the light in most things, it's solidified who I really am. No, I'm not my weight or my looks, BUT going through the whole process, the ups and downs (that continue and will continue), has really made me step back, look deep inside and re-evaluate myself. I still struggle, sure, I always will, but I love the new me. Am I done? NO WAY!

I haven't blogged since 2013. It's not 2015. Craziness.

Last time I was on, I was getting married to my love. Well, that happened, Italy happened (he's now just as obsessed as I am). We would love to live there, but it's really not a reality right now. We've just been living life.

I don't really enjoy my job anymore (Underwriting for insurance). But it is what it is, I honestly don't really know anyone that truly 100% LOVES their job. So I'm okay with that, just keeping my options open.

I'm still obsessed with the gym and working out. Maybe not as much as I'd like, but I really do enjoy and look forward to working out, dancing, lifting, etc. I was down to 190.2 in May of 2013. I am now at 204.2. Am I okay with this? Not really, will I change it? Yes. I keep floating up and down, up and down. I work my band as much as I can. I have failures, I have successes. I got stagnant and comfortable. I started making horrible eating choices again, not so much in amount, but in types of foods, mostly sliders, drinking with meals, fried foods and processed foods. I have a MAJOR sweet tooth, it's all I crave. That is why I'm changing that, I am finally determined to kick this major habit of mine and learn to say no 80% of the time, rather than 20%. I do well for a few days, then I cave. Repeat. This is why I have gained 14 lbs. since 2013. I really maintained at 195 for over a year, now I've been fluctuating at 198-205. So, I know I can maintain like a boss. haha. I don't want to maintain here though. I'm ready to see the 180's, the 170's, the 160's and maybe the 150's. I truly am. I'm ready to kickstart this again. Did I become 286 lbs. over night? NOPE. I was about 170-230 all throughout middle school and HS. After HS, I stopped dance classes and cheerleading and still continued to eat the same. That's how I got like this. I saw my highest weight in 2008-2009 and that was enough for me. I was so depressed and distraught with myself.

Add all the other stress in life and I was a mess. My calm? Food. My weakness? Sweets. My lifeline? Food, again.

I don't want to fall back to this, especially WHAT and HOW much I was eating in one day. It has awakened me. And I know how bad/unhealthy processed food is, but does it stop me? No. I've been incorporating organic items in our foods, and lots of unprocessed things too, more salads, fresh fruits and veggies from the markets. I'm truly looking forward to starting our 21 day sugar detox. I've got pretty much all the information I need. For me, it will be super hard, for my husband, maybe not as much. His will be the alcohol and simple carbs. For me, the sweet stuff, the chocolate, the cake, cookies, ice cream, added sugars, etc. What we don't finish up in our pantry/freezer/fridge in the next 1.5 weeks, will either be tossed or packed up (and well hidden, NOT by me). I personally plan on cutting all sugars for the first time, this means, fruits, gum, protein drinks, protein bars, and of course, all the processed crap.

I've been slowly starting the past few days. I think diet soda might be the hardest. I did great with no soda for the first like 1.5 years, and all of a sudden, I just starting drinking it again. I would occasionally have a ginger ale for an upset stomach, but lately it's been diet this, diet that. I tried to do a diet green tea with lemon/ginseng, I didn't really grasp onto it. Now I'm back to just my water, protein drinks and hot teas. I had a coke zero yesterday. I have no money with me, so today won't be a problem. We had Arby's the other night, this will stop. We had pizza Sunday, this will also stop.

I'm ready. I need to do this.

As far as fills go. I had a slight unfill in November/December, can't remember exactly. I had to go to their other office because it was a last minute appointment. Honestly, since my allergies have been awful (last Spring and haven't stopped since), I've been having major issues with my fills. I was up to like 5.5 and was fine for a while. Then I would get super tight and need an unfill, then I would get super hungry all the time and would be able to eat more than a cup and I would gain or maintain. Ugh! It's been a sick cycle of this for a while now. I'm now down to like 4 cc's. It has allowed different foods back in again (nuts and peanut butters, which I sometimes have issues with). But I think I want another go at a small fill soon. I don't yet. I haven't 100% decided. I have major issues with drainage and nausea that hang out right above the band and cause inflammation. Didn't know this before I got the band, but it's very common and I confirmed that with 2 doctors too. I think I just need to tweak the food choices now and keep up with my exercising and keep adding strength training in more and more.

That is all for now, I could probably go on and on, but I won't. :)