Quick update...

Okay, so Lose 10 in 10 is over. I lost about 1-2 lbs right before we started it and about 4-5 lbs during it. I've managed to keep it off, for the most part, I fluctuate between 1-2 lbs every day, up or down. It's annoying. I am officially in the middle of the Lap Band process through the Weight Loss Clinic in Harrisburg. I just had my 3rd nutritionist appointment, should finish those by August. I go for my Psychological Evaluation on June 6th, should be interesting, for some reason, I'm nervous about that. I don't think it's hit me yet that come Sept/Oct, I'm going under the knife for an elective surgery to alter my life. I'm ready, just a bit nervous. Haven't been doing the best with eating or exercising. I get in slumps sometimes. I was doing great for a while there, I hit a slump the last 2 weeks. But I'm back on track, been going to the gym at least 3x a week on average, sometimes more, I've been eating better, as far as portions and snacks. I sometimes find it hard, or I don't 'notice' that I don't include veggies at dinner or I grab chex mix/pop tarts for snacks instead of apples/ect. I HAVE to find a happy medium for myself, and stop making excuses. That's why, I really appreciate that Highmark makes you go through the 6 month pre-op stuff. It gives you time to really focus on you, your issues and try and correct those before you get your surgery.

So, things at work have been crazy, not so much for myself, but for Brian. Workers Comp is a big ole mess. And I know he's stressed and feeling overwhelmed and I feel helpless. I love my job, I can honestly say that, it can be boring or repetitive at times, but it's a job and I enjoy the majority of those around me. It's not necessarily what I want to do with my life, but it's good for now.

I finally located paper copies of my articles from HACC that I wrote, wish newspapers/ect would hire me, whether it's freelance or not. Always want experience, while I don't have A LOT of experience, I have heart and a drive and I would really enjoy it.

I honestly feel like eating/dieting/weight/ect is consuming me, I try not to focus on it all day long, but I'm constantly thinking about what to eat/when to eat/how much/where. I guess in the long run, it'll be good for me.

I've been tanning for about a week now, I LOVE it. I forgot just how much I enjoy it. I know, I know, it's not good for you, ect ect. Oh well.

Well, until next time...

Ciao.

I could scream!

Friday was my first meeting for the Lose 10 in 10 program through work/Highamark. The day before that was my consultation for Lap Band surgery. I was completely overwhelmed by the time 5 o'clock came around and it was time to leave work on Friday. Awful. I thought for sure I was going to breakdown at any moment. I find myself beyond frustrated over nutrition/food. Count this, measure that, 1 oz this, 3 oz that, looks like this, don't eat that, chew slower, don't gulp, eat this, but not too much, use smaller plates/silverware, put your fork down after each bite, your plate should consist of the following. UUUUGH!

My brain physically hurts from so much thinking. I log my daily food intake/exercise on my iPod (myfitnesspal), and now I have to log it into my food journal for the Lose 10 in 10 program. I'm not giving up anymore. I can't continue on this unhealthy path or up and down weight and making excuses. My Dr. has definitely cleared me for  exercise, so no more excuses. It's mainly the food part that is getting to me. I'm on lapbandtalk.com every day, several times a day, just reading and reading everyone's experience's, especially what their eating. It's truly helpful. For example, this morning for breakfast I had 1 egg, 1 piece of whole wheat toast (nothing on it), an apple and a myoplex lite vanilla protein drink. I think it's pretty good. Then we went to Perkin's for dinner around 6:30, I thought I was being good by choosing the grilled salmon with carrots and citrus rice. RIIIIIGHT. I came home and checked, the meal (without the rice) was 930 cals!!!! Fuck! Then I had Brian take me to Bruster's to get a small dish of ice cream (ended up getting one scoop of cake batter), god knows how much that added on, guess I shall check on that now too. I'm just frustrated, I feel like I can't go out and enjoy food anymore, it's all bad, if it's low cal, it's high sodium/sugar/ect. It's ridiculous. I definitely need some better options, choices, something.

Took some before pictures tonight to put on the site (not this!), clothed and panties/bra only. I look how I thought I would look, so I suppose that's good that I don't have some unrealistic image of myself. Here's to a new outlook on life. The gym will be my best friend, along with being outside and active once it's nice and food and I will learn to get along...someday.

Done with this, for now. Til next time.

Regret.

I often regret a lot of the food I eat. But at the time it seemed sensible. Tonight while out on our various journeys, we stopped at Applebee's for dinner. I proceeded to get the Spicy Shrimp Rollup, had it before and it's really good. We also got the Potato Twisters as an appetizer (homemade chips basically) and we each had dessert. Ugh. Disgusting. I came home and loaded the information into myfitnesspal on my iPod and the dinner/dessert were both around 850 cals each and the appetizer (half) was 450. OMG!

I have got to get my shit together. Especially if I want to prove to myself that I can do this before, during and after lap band surgery. 

Life Goes On.

It's been a while. Where should I start? Well, the month of January was pretty active for me, I thought I was pregnant the entire month plus about a week into February. I had all the symptoms, constipation, lower back pain, missed period, nausea, headaches, light cramping, tiredness, it was just weird and kept me really down for a while. So, needless to say, I gained about 10 lbs. during this because I wasn't active and was eating pretty bad. Then I had light bleeding/cramps for 13 days. Real fun.


On Thursday, February 3, I had my Dr's appointment to finalize if I was or not. The Dr. basically stated that it was my pill (Yaz) and me drinking/eating soy products. Once I stopped the soy milk, it all went away, weird. And kind of disappointing. :/


Let's rewind back to Thursday, the 3rd. I received a text from my mom after getting back to work from my Dr's appointment to call her then. So, I went downstairs to get some more water and she called me before I even made it down the stairs. She asked me when I got off work and if I could leave early that day. I was like "Why? What's going on?" I knew something was not right. Then she broke the news. She said my Nanny was in the ER since 9am (it was now about 2p) and that they said she was septic and basically only had hours-days and they were just keeping her comfortable at that point in time. I left in a heartbeat. I got to the hospital around 2:30p, they were just wheeling her into her private room. That took like 15-20 mins. I proceeded to get a pounding raging headache, so the nurse gave me ibuprofen. Then we had to gown up, gloves and all to go in the room with my Nanny. It wasn't a good sight. But I didn't want my mom to be alone like that. Her  BP was 55/22 or something like that and kept dropping while I was there. My aunt/uncles were on there way around 3. But before the could get there, she passed at 3:25. RIP Nanny. The viewing/services were held the following Wednesday in Enola/Duncannon, it was nice to see everyone come together, they also had pictures/video and I read my poem "Nanny" outloud at the church part. Then after we had some food at the EMS, we headed to my mom's house. I got some jewelry from her box, a necklace, a purple heart pendant, and some earrings. Then I got my old barbies/polly pockets out and my 2nd cousins were playing with them, it was nice. Then we looked through her old photos and was able to find some of her and I, other family members and was able to keep them. :) 


So, when I saw that I had gained 10 lbs. per the scale at the Gyno's office, I was bewildered. Shocked, sickened, frustrated, determined. I'm back to exercising at the gym 4-5 days per week, sometimes 6. I lost 4 of the 10 extra lbs.  so far. I then had my check up with my general Dr. on Thursday the 17th and we talked about my weight and how I would consider the Lap Band procedure again. I had went for a consultation back in summer of 08, but couldn't move on because my insurance at the time was running out in 5 months and my next insurance didn't cover the procedure. :( So, my new job which carries Highmark BCBS covers for as long as you meet the specific criteria outlined in their Obesity Policy. Basically, you have to go through 6 months of testing, nutritional counseling, pre-op diet, psych evaluation, ect. Which is fine by me. I think this will be the boost I need right now to get moving in the right direction, cause I fluctuate so much with my weight. So, my new consult is next Thursday, the 24th at 3p, can't wait! I'm already working on my food journal and my activity journal. I also start my work lose 10 in 10 through Highmark next Friday the 25th. Should be some good information to follow.


In addition, I've decided I want to elope. My mom got one of my grandma's vintage diamond solitare ring and it's gorgeous. Even though it's gold, I prefer white gold, but since it was my grandmas and it's vintage, and not to mention it looks fabulous on me! :P My mom is taking it to her jeweler to get appraised and find out some specifics and then I believe she is giving it to Brian to give to me. :) Can't wait. 


Still working on my poetry book, about 3/4 of the way done with it, a hard work in progress. 


That's about all that is new. Heading out tonight to the casino to see a Bon Jovi tribute band and hang with another couple. Ciao!

I'm Mr. Bucket, a ball is what I'm about; I'm Mr. Bucket, we're all gonna run; I'm Mr. Bucket, buckets of fun!

I'd like to introduce you to my bucket list...acts of fancy, courage and delight, full of punch and flavor, adrenalin and imagination.

1. Get my bachelors in communications.
2. Publish my poetry.
3. Lose weight.
4. Get engaged.
5. Get married.
6. Travel back to Italy.
7. Live in Italy for a while.
8. Travel to other parts of Europe.
9. Ghost hunt.
10. Have 2-4 kids.
11. Own a home.
12. Buy a new car.
13. Skydive.
14. Buy a dog.
15. Land a writing gig.
16. See the following people/bands/festivals live: 
         Tiesto, Armin Van Buuren, Daft Punk, Massive Attack,
         Usher, BT, Kaskade, Electric Zoo festival, Global Dance
         festival, Eminem, Lifehouse, Lady Gaga, Maroon 5, David
         Guetta, deadmau5, Katy Perry, Depeche Mode, Jes, ATB, 
         David Bowie, The Rippingtons, the list goes on and on and on.
17. This list will be updated periodically...

And only you can choose your fate.

That's a lyric from "Suddenly" by BT. Love it.


Things are good, no great. I feel better than ever, I have a new sense of motivation and accomplishment in mind. I've been to the gym the last 3 days, tomorrow is number four. 


I'm done being negative, yes, even if other's are being negative to me, I'm done being negative back. Try it sometime, it's a great feeling. 


I just remembered watching a movie called "I heart huckabees" a few years ago with my mom. She hated it, she said it was confusing. It was about existentialism; it made me realize I am somewhat a existentialist.  It deals mainly with finding ones self and the meaning of life through free will, choice and personal responsibility. It also believes that a person should be forced to choose and be responsible without the help of laws, ethnic rules, or traditions. I love it! It's everything and more of how I've been living for so long. 


We shouldn't be ashamed of who we are inside. That is truly what matters, treating people with respect (when deserved of course), treating yourself with respect, and no matter how complex you feel you are, everyone is VERY similar. I feel we all have the same exact insecurities, worries, fears and goals. Those change daily of course and on a more personal level, but in general, we all have the same goals in mind; to live a full life.


I don't want to "hate" people anymore, I don't want to yell and cuss when it's completely unnecessary, I don't want to get mad or upset when someone (anyone) says something discouraging to me, in fact, I refuse to be any of these anymore no matter how hard I have to work, the drive is there now, full force, full circle. 


I still have certain anxieties, and I still believe some of those are all in my head and will take a lot of will power and strength to get beyond. I'm done with the minuscule bullshit of life. Oh you said this, no you said that on this day, ect ect. I don't tolerate liars, fakes and whiny bitches, that will never change. But I can change how I react to those types and ignore them. So be it. 


New poem:


Peace of mind


I've arranged a peace of mind
Willing, standing, on my own
No one and nobody
Can change this


Stepped up
Stepped down
I know who I am
I fight against nothing
But myself


A sense of relief
Of calm
A warm bath
Glass of wine
Smiles
Laughter
Life


Battles will come
And go
I know
But this is me
And I'm living
and breathing
Fresh air, anew


No one, and nobody
Can change this
Except me.


Ciao! Until next time...